Welcoming words
Hello fellow pooper and welcome to the very first official edition of my Exquisite Excrement! [dramatic farting sound effect] I have to say it’s really magical to have you on board. Thank you!
If you send me your preferred name, I promise to give you a shout out on my Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
Introduction
For today’s topic I thought of writing about awkwardness. Then I thought, “Awkwardness? Really ? Is that where you want to start this adventure?” And then I thought “Actually, that’s a very suiting topic, because to write this first official edition feels somewhat awkward”. I told everyone about it and some subscribed, soooo… now I kinda have to do it. And then I thought “Suck it up you overthinking piece of brain, it doesn’t matter, it’s just your excrement remember?”
Long story short: I am going to start without actually knowing how to – and isn’t this what awkwardness is all about? [Instagram filter superzoom tv show]
Main Part
I tried to write about awkwardness, made notes, wrote little poems, researched the topic… but really I didn’t manage to write anything worth sending. And I think, I found out why: once you call out awkwardness, it disappears. Just like a little snail on a rainy Sunday afternoon. It just crawls around, minding its own business being all cute and gooey. But when you touch it, it retracts to its coy little cave. [moist slime sound effect].
Awkwardness is in itself the poison and the antidote. But does this mean we should all purposely sneak around uncomfortably, make silly jokes, laugh nervously and then just yell out: AWKWARD! and everything will be fine?
No! That’s not how it works. Because awkwardness, just like everything else in life, needs to come from a place of truth. You can’t be awkward and a fake at the same time, it cancels each other out. When you know how it works, you are being assertive. You just are a big ass weirdo confidently yelling out AWKWARD! And most likely, you are being annoying!
So, I am not saying that, when in an awkward situation, sharing one’s uneasiness with the other, makes the situation non-awkward aka pleasant, it just takes off the pressure. And if the other agrees with you, we/you/they can start finding comfort in awkwardness.
In film school they always thought us when writing a script, don’t say it but show it! Not sure if that applies to a newsletter too, but for the sake of my joke working, let’s say it does: What would be more awkward than naming the newsletter after it, having an extensive intro on it, writing three pages of notes on it, not even sending any of it – to then just not mention it again? [crickets]
Oookaaay, now I actually don’t know if I should not mention it again or keep on ranting about this nonsense… (I can also delete the last paragraph, or send it, or not, or, oh god. Just do it, nobody is reading this anyway…) okay. this. is. awkward. - coincidence? I don’t think so. Cut to:
Musical Interlude
(Did you watch the video and try to do the shoulder move? I bet you did! – I did too, don’t worry you are not the biggest weirdo here… )
Unnecessary Detour (Skip if in a hurry)
[change into glittery 80s tv show host outfit and holding a long ass microphone] Welcome back! We hope you enjoyed our little musical interlude brought to you by TikTok. There is no better way to lighten up the mood than with a little shoulder shake isn’t there, folks? [intense forced smile]
We are now broadcasting live from the alternate universe, where according to researchers, awkwardness has never been spotted. We asked around and listened to what the common folk around here has to say:
[guy in slippers wearing nothing but a bathrobe, speedos, a beanie and his glasses - nasal voice]: “Yes I have heard of that phenomenon, but no, I have never encountered it. I have heard its like when you feel at home in public and you talk to a stranger… Like if it bothers them when you do something a certain way, right? To me that is just silly. I don’t believe in it to be honest. [takes off his bathrobe and jumps into the fountain in the middle of a round about]”
[sea lion in a leo-print tuxedo – deep voice with British aristocrat accent ]: “What I do when sharing an enclosed space with someone I barely know and have nothing in common with? Oh well, I share my observation of our non-compatibility, wish him, her or it a good day and walk away. For example just this morning, I slipped out of my house and the neighbour’s cat just sat there staring at me. I shook its paw and went my way – no biggie. [walks away]”
[teenage girl - high pitched voice, enunciates everything like a question]: “OMG yeah... like my mom talks about my puberty in public all the time. Yeaah… just yesterday, my crush was over for dinner and we talked about my boobs starting to develop. And like, we planned a trip to the mall to look at like, menstruation products. Like, he might tag along. He needs shaving cream – well I think that’s what he said, I don’t understand him lately tbh. Like his voice has been changing a lot. Yeah… But it’s ok, I think he knows it…”
Well folks there you have it. People might have heard of it, but it’s not very likely to be experienced in any form around here. And up next: Have you ever looked at an old tv commercial and thought “(Johnny, la gente esta muy loca) what the fuck?” We looked into it, why old products just don’t cut it out for us anymore. Stay tuned for… [TV off]
Closing arguments
To start sticking the landing on this marvellous gymnastic exercise of the mind, I would like take the tight, dark tunnel called: discomfort.
By now, I think we are all acquainted with the feeling of staying at home for god knows how long. That got me thinking about generally staying in a position for a longer period of time. That might be a sitting position or a phase in life. Even if at the beginning it seems enjoyable, one will eventually want to move out of it, because this initial comfort starts to wear off = dis-comfort. If we don’t listen to this feeling and change the position, our movements, aka forced efforts to stick to it, might start to feel and look awkward.
To support my argument, I would like to refer to the words of my beloved friend, Alejandro (Jodorowsky).
Now besides the self praising in it, I love it. And I believe it to be true. My tarotist might say, that is because I am a Pisces and I like fluidity. My parents might say because I am an artist. My therapist might say because I don’t ground my thoughts. My teacher might say because I don’t focus. And my hater might say because I am flakey. (disclaimer these are fictional characters and live in my mind) But I do. I believe. I am pro-change. Change as the antidote for awkwardness?
Anyway, let’s recap:
Awkwardness might come from a place of insecurity. Awkwardness can be relieved when called out. Awkwardness must be genuine at all times. Dancing is a great break. Without awkwardness we would lose our inhibitions and miss out on a social experiences (good or bad). Awkwardness disguised in discomfort might be a cry for change.
Conclusion:
I do not know how to keep things short. But I will try in the future.
Final words:
I love you. Thanks for reading until here. [spring themed emoticons]
Have great weekend. See you in the next newsletter.
Bye.