The Circus And The Act of Traveling Compliantly Under Life’s Continuation
Metaphors and screenshots
Hi lovely reader. I want to apologise for the long silence. I know how important this newsletter is to you and how much your life crumbles without it. So I feel like I owe you an explanation for my absence.
As you might have experienced yourself, life’s a circus. My circus company has recently been working on a new act, we call it “The New Job”. We discussed this act extensively within the company and even though knew the premiere was approaching, the first few shows were accelerating but also consuming our focus to the fullest.
My favourite writer/artist Alejandra Smits, always says, to exist is to perform. And exactly that is what I did the past few weeks. Performed in excellence for others, and for myself. Even though, the two performances happen simultaneously they are two different performances and the difficulty of it all, is exactly that: to perform them in congruence.
The performance for the outside (for the job), is, for now, quite standard: be on time, polite, open minded, ready to learn and deliver my skills when the moment is right. Beginning a new job, feels somewhat like a mime act, to blend in, to strip it to the basics, copy, improvise. Starting in mime is helpful in order to develop the act further, later on. We, the Danielle circus company, wish to develop it into an acrobatic act, expanding the range of motion, level of danger and change into more flashy costumes — for a more flamboyant performance.
But for now it’s a black and white mime act. And it’s perfect this way.
On the other hand the inner performance is, from the get-go, more turbulent and dramatic. We named this act “The Lion Act”. In this performance, I am the ring master and my act is to withstand the minty fresh, anxiety filled wind and sweet flavoured, self-doubt enhanced spit coming out with the lion’s mouth as it roars.
Just a like a cartoon character, my body stands firmly, whilst my hair and cheeks flap around my skull. Obviously my ring master’s hat flew away instantly – that’s ok it was just for show anyway. As an experienced ring master, I tame the lion – well I try to, it’s a better show if the animal is never completely tame, keeps the audience in suspense ;) – smile and let the show continue. Ta-daaaa!
Before we leave the circus metaphor, I will share with you a tiny piece of writing from not too long ago:
Translation: M: Are you going? - H: No. - M: Why not? - H: Because it’s a circus. And I, an animal.
The animal by its nature, as much as it wishes not to be, by showing up, strolling through the circus, will be mistaken for an act. The animal cannot be an impartial spectator in the circus ring.
Now, before the lion came to stage, there was a little intermezzo in the show, a little vacation as you, mortal human, would call it. I will now share some insights, bits and pieces if you will, of this intermezzo. Let’s call this “Screenshots Of A Vacation”
The Arrival
I knew how to get here, easy, I arrived. And still do not know where I am. I did not research this, I did not prepare. What am I doing here? Visiting a friend. Ok, ok, yeah right, right… Visiting a friend.
Q. But where?
A. In the extension of the train station’s platform.
The “Wieder-Sehen” aka The “Seeing-Again”
The blazing sun hitting my face. The juniper flavoured beer running, nay!, pouring down my throat. Parched. Out of the slight slit opening between my upper and lower lid, I see my friend. She’s talking.
Q. How long has it been? Two, three days? Four, five months?
A. Does it really matter? Will it ever really matter? We are here now. And it is as if time never existed.
The Partey
Partey, her answer to my question what will we do later today. You mean “party”? It’s an ancient concept defining a gathering of a larger sum of people, more often than not including the moving of one’s physical existence to the throb of the score blasting out of the sound wave amplifiers.
Q. What does it even mean to P A R T Y ?
Q. In 2021?
Q. In your 30s?
A. 404: Error. Please try later.
The City And Its Structures
Up and down or was it north and south? Left and right, or was it east and west? Bus line 6 or 5? Not paying for public transport, what a life! Thanks for the coffee, do I owe you more than a thank you, some spare change perhaps? I do not speak your language, I will try, or will you meet me in mine?
Q. How do I know, where I am?
A. The where is always in relation to where you were before.
The Blending In
“I will be there, if you want to come. Everyone will be there.” Do I count as I everyone? I decide I do, so I go. I arrive and stand and breath. Hello, hello, hello, I am Danielle — I repeat. So nice to meet you, they say. We stand. We breathe. I am here now and so are you. I became everyone.
Q. What does it take to assimilate?
A. It takes to be there.
The Ceremony
A warm welcome, a heavy-hearted farewell. We all search for words to give one another to take away in a doggy bag. You can have it for lunch, even if it isn’t much. To choose the words to give someone, might be of a dreadful task, yet we do it, even if we do not excel in it.
Q. What will she do after graduation?
A. Continue learning and being awesome.
The Choices
How much of this is our choice? How much of it is a product of our productivity? And how much is just a simple gift, that we would have gotten anyway? The choice to be here and there, to be present, is our own. But what we receive and experience is not. That, I guess, is just an extended a gift we ought to come into compliantly.
Q. If I keep the receipt, can I return it?
A. You won’t want to.
Thank you all for everything you give me and for reading my Newsletter!
You make me the richest person on this planet. ❤️
I love you.